I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
I world jack off literally anyone now that I'm not related to.
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
He started planning our future mid-hookup. You tell me how my night was.
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
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