Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
if you can see her tanning goggle line that's officially a deal breaker
well once we started drinking vodka out of wine glasses there was no turning back
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
I just feel like Im gonna be remembered as that one RA guy that used to sell weed
Got a personal ride from safe ride. I was crying so hard. The driver said think of something happy and I said Disney. In which I sang him Aladdin. So I got home ok
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
He had a hook in his ceiling. I think I'm in love!
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
Randomize