she offered me iced tea and went to go change.then her dad came in the door.i thought i was on how to catch a predator.
fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
i walked into his room and he was eskimo kissing his weed..
You better be watching. There will be a POP quiz. Each correct answer gains you 5 more minutes of the sexual act of your choice
I don't care how old I am, if it's your 21st birthday I'm going to make out with you.
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
Randomize