you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
Kripsy Kremes at our place, bring your own coffee. And your own donuts because these ones are ours.
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
he thought it would be funny to put his dick inside a beer bottle and wear it around. until we all realized how small his dick would have to be to fit in a beer bottle
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
I do not love him. There is no love. Only sex and meatloaf.
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