they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
My eyes feel like they're throwing up and I am the only human on campus
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
Well puke fest 2014 just happened
What exactly is it about Doctor Who thigh high socks with a matching shirt that says "take me I'm yours!"
You tried to use him as a battering ram. I'm 99% certain that's why he left.
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
Randomize
