I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
i just dont know how to see an unattractive person as more than a friend
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
You climbed out your own window and walked in the front door..
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
It was a mess. I sat on the kitchen floor with maple whiskey and cried into a bowl of poutine. I've never even been to canada
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
Randomize
