Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
They're doing a Bong-A-Thon for 4/20. I don't care if you quit. You are coming out of your weed retirement for this.
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
i have an important question...can you drink in jail?
he has a party story that rivals our "PTSD- soldier-with-a-knife" party story. I'm pretty sure this is part of some prophecy.
Ok she stopped using her fork and knife and is legit eating that steak using her hands.
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
THAT'S MY GIRL
KICKING BUT AND GETTING PEOPLE INTOXICATED
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
Randomize
