Thats not how I planned it, its just the way she passed out
I faked an abortion last night.
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
Fell asleep in bio again. Sometimes i feel like college is just one really expensive nap.
She posted on her FB that he moved out...It's like she wants me to fuck him.
no. 1 rule of bromania: no females
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
I tried eating pop-rocks while giving him a bj, I honestly think I was more disappointed with the results than he was.
His roommates are gone so we had sex in every room of the house and watched the wire. What have you done today?
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
Randomize
