i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
All I have in my fridge is chocolate cake, pizza, spicy mayo sauce, beer, and weed. I love college
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
I love you. Thanks for all the blowjobs.
Dude, she's the greatest salesman alive. she convinced chelsea to buy a box of Cheerios for $20. She can find your dick some willing pussy.
So I ripped my crotchless fishnet body suit when my drunk ass tried to crawl through the crotch to put it on.
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
But college guys get to crossfade so there's that
No idea what that is
Like getting bent? When you drink and smoke together...
I'm 30 stop using your cool kids words
QUIT RUINING DICK PICTURE DAY
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
I've run into almost every guy I've ever slept with today. It's like they know just how horny I am.
i still cant feel my toes or walk straight...its been 2 days.
Randomize
