sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
giving a blow job on a jetski isn't as easy as it sounds.
She was perfectly content just sitting in the middle of everyone blowing bubbles in the air.
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
We legit stopped the the game so that Jamie and I could throw up in the bushes, and then continue to play intramurals... this is what my life is coming to1
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
We never leave a bad bitch behind. its a party foul..we'll find you somehow
How do I sound like a lady while communicating the fact that I want his dick in my mouth?
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
We hooked up and he sent me home with a plant and skittles lmao
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