I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
Dude it was awful. I woke up with more strippers in my dorm room than those duke lacrosse kids.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
call of duty 2 was the straight man's twilight
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
So..I walked into his bathroom and found a bong and a blender in the shower.....normal?
I think all I remember saying is, "I love Chris Berman's voice" and then I passed out
Finished watching the entire first season of mighty morphing power rangers. Now I have nothing. Not even a life.
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
Randomize
