Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
You mean 'full wolf form' wasn't a drunk text?
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
That was the #1 scariest moment in my life. I have full trust in you, I let you bite my penis for god sake.
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
He's got a british accent, a tounge ring, and he's wearing an eye patch... Of corse I'm fucking him
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
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