I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
her boobs were like sundried tomatoes..
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
I don't know what's happening. Everyone is wearing beaks.
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
Seriously-without actually meaning the statement for it's words- that made me want to put a baby in you.
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
Also I am throwing a blaZer over what I wore to bed and calling it an outfit.
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
Randomize
