dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
Russians do not operate on the same level as the rest of us. hoping I wake up tomorrow
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
She brought over her portable harddrive and we dueled with porn. This relationship is too beautiful to last.
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
her idea of a romantic time is a bottle of jager, some Guacamole and chips.
can't go wrong with guac.
It was like mission impossible.
but with sex.
God, I missed his penis.
Randomize
