im surounded by vag. Like smog aound LA, i am suffocating in an atmosphere of pussy
in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
They have a pepper shaker for pot.
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
Sorry for cyberstalking your dad.
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
He's a snuggler. Every time I attempt to make a move to find my bra he reigns me in. Needless to say i could be here a while.
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
Randomize
