I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
So are we goin out tonight?
Dude, we woke up in your car in some parking lot last night...
And that was fun, wasn't it?
You litterally reached into some girls shirt, pulled out her tit and yelled whats up with this guy.
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
If this week is any indication of my life here I've got to get out ASAP. My liver can't hack it.
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
151 hangover. Need apocalypse.
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
Randomize
