Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
Learned a lot. Like boys with frosted tips still exist. And that they're sensitive to constructive criticism.
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
open bar reception. dayglow. pray for me
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
I'd say it's his fault for never running us through proper protocol for "catching your RA in the middle of him banging some girl"
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
we started drinking at 4pm, somehows its 1 am im in bathing suit running from the cops.....any explanation of what happened?
Randomize
