I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
Jason Williams (yeah the ex-nets center...) drunkenly told me that, while drinking, I should take an ambien and a cialis before i go home...that will "give me a 25 minute window to have sex and then goto sleep before the bitch starts bothering me"....
if you could put a roof over IU campus it would be the biggest whorehouse in the nation
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
mate iv just woke up in the garden. either help me inside or bring out my vodka
You use your abs way more than I realized. Btw multiple orgasms is the best thing I've ever discovered.
She told me the next morning I stared at her tits for like 15 minutes with binoculars from only a few seats away.
You can accomplish quite a bit with a can do attitude and a well placed ice cube.
Randomize
