I'm playing the sound guy on a porno set
just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
We had like 4 guys come over and buy us all drinks as an excuse to hit on Kendra. Hanging out with her is now officially fiscally responsible.
There's two girls at the bar sniffing each others boobs.
I'm just learned what a rim job is, I feel like crying
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
Yea not today, I ending up taking a shit behind a tree last night.
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
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