My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
judging by her collection of mens sweaters, shes fucked the entire lands end catalog.
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
I LIKE NICE BOXERS OKAY!? COMBINED WITH A GLORIOUS DICK JUST MAKES THIS EVEN BETTER. WE MOVE IN TOGETHER AND THAT PIC'S GETTIN FUCKING FRAMED.
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
Idk, apparently drinking five Four Loko's and trying to fight a mailbox constitutes disorderly conduct.
Randomize
