The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
I have beard burns on my inner thighs. I'd say last night went pretty well.
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
The attempted closet masturbation was unforgivable.
That was the most fucked up I've ever seen him. He had the fucking Canola Oil!
When our dicks touched he made a lightsaber noise.
We were going to play manhunt in a strip club, calling it mancunt.
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
We got high, had sex, and watched retro scooby doo shows. Best friends with benefits yet.
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