...seriously? chocolate pudding? motorboating? No one has even done that to ME and i am 69 times the whore you are
Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
i was concerned by what you said you would do for a snickers. It wasn't even a Klondike bar.
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
Is it mean to convince my old booty call she used me for sex so I can bang her again before I leave for Denver?
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
she's a drunken disney princess. so basically me if i had a crown and no desire for independence.
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
Randomize
