Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
Stoned in some guys basement listening to ELO. it's like its 1978.
I'm glad the semester is over. I need a break from the term "whiskey sharts" coming up so much in conversation.
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
So he just rolled you off his dick and fell on the floor?
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
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