haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
Contrary to popular belief, while 19 is an attractive age, it does not equate to sexual prowess.
drank two beers while on the toilet at home during lunch break. new high or new low, not sure
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
you kept screaming i cant feel my vagina, it kinda killed the mood.
DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR
i fucked her mom dude
there's something to tell the kids
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
Between having seen you naked and interpreting your values based on the occasional political FB post, you're no stranger for sure.
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
Randomize
