I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
He also has a monumental penis. It's unbelieveable. I'm sorry but he's perfect.
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
Dude, if she brings up the lube, you know nothing
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
As yoda would say; A bitch, she is.
Now some guy that's in my phone as " Alex lip ring hot" is texting me and I don't where life is taking me
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
Um, It's tempting but I'm not into coke or farmers.
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
Randomize
