If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
can anyone on this campus do anything sober?
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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