Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
I can't believe you blew on her face.
I feel that every long term relationship needs at least one big,load delivered straight between the eyes.
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
It's amazing the difference a day and 2000 mg of antibiotic make. Nine days to go.
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
I don't wanna see it, I don't wanna touch it, I just want it in me.
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
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