maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
just because you are in college doesnt mean its okay to pregame easter mass.
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
And im sorry for wishing your girlfriend gets genital warts.
Things I can say. There is a photo of me pouring whipped cream into a midgets mouth.
I mass texted 4 of you for a booty call. Please reply all when responding so only one of you shows up. Last one is a rotten egg.
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
Just laying in bed, snuggling my cat, and pondering whether I'd like to attend a swingers party this evening...
Tacos and sex are way better than any anti depressant pill ever was. I think I made a medical discovery here.
Last night was great... In the "I got videotaped making out and getting a handjob on the couch in front of 100 people." kinda way.
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
I possibly am a tad bit not really but maybe slightly intoxicated.
Randomize
