Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
I figure I since I made out with him that I at least had to save his number in my phone.
Randomize
