last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
just jacked off with my ROTC uniform on. boy i feel like an american.
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
We always end up having sex in random places after class. I need to stop letting this dude borrow my pens.
Not only does DQ have s'mores shakes, sonic has a hot dog in a pretzel bun, and Wendy's has a burger in a pretzel bun. Important things are happening.
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
We banged in his car behind the burrito place. Google Maps keeps asking me to rate my visit. 5/5, would cum again.
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
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