please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
There are rumors he has a square penis....ill do anything though....
I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs
Finally put clothes on I've been laying naked in the bed for approximately 4 hours since I showered and by showered I mean when I laid down in the bathtub with the shower on
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
So he's compensating for a really small penis. Either that or he's a drug lord.
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
Ask him to BK for an ice cream cone and do him in the car. That counts as a date
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
He made her leave because she liked Top-Ramen better than Maruchaun. He's my hero.
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Randomize
