you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
buying a tattoo gun on ebay just sounded like a good idea at the time idk man
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
you can tell a lot about a person by the quality of their porn
Thirty seconds is a long time in jizz time...
Randomize
