Moan for me like Helen Keller
Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
I'm getting flash backs of last night. They're coming in song form.
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
She had caution tape on her head and she blew me.
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
Some dude with an OSU jersey just kissed him in the face in front of everyone. I should mention he's wearing a Panda costume. And has already been offered $20 for his suit by Plushies for oral sex.
I hate how she's getting mean with age
Meh, you can't hate. That's our basic life goal and you know it.
Its official, kitchen-couch is my favorite.
You passed out again didn't you?
its likely that this occurred.
Step one: We finally agreed on an au pair that we both wanna fuck.
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
Randomize
