I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
ah, there's nothing like waking up to picture messages of a strange man's cock. life is good.
haha, that's fucked up. flacid cock pictures are the mental breakfast of champions.
why is there an outline of nathan's body on my wall in whip cream?
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
I made him go down on me for 40 mins then pretended to pass out. I swear, I'm like a boy.
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
Randomize
