Hey I found a place that'll do a hand job for 42 bucks
how the fuck did you end up in georgia? you were here at my party dry humping some chick 2 hours ago
so you mean to tell me that there is no way you can get me?
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
I've decided that it's a bad thing. But I've also decided that I don't give a fuck.
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
You probably shouldn't do that...but if you do take pictures
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
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