just to let you know I saw you texting some Kim chick, and facebook saying she's ugly... good job you're gay now
A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
well you can't waste a boner
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
They made the rule if I caught the ball with my cleavage they would drink the entire beer pong table. I don't think they expected me to actually do it.
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
No. You don't want this. When I threw up last night, it was so intense I went blind for about 3 seconds.
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
Honestly at least you're not debating on whether or not you need to take plan b. But I can't because I spent all my money on pizza.
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
Randomize
