I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
life is sad when you just turned 21 and youre doing late night rogaine runs...
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
I know more about this girls vagina than I know about her personality
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
Randomize
