I think I died a long time ago.
It's a sad day when you have to slightly move your fupa to shave.
he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
saturday- my day is open, my legs are not. you in?
well apparently not.
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
damn. i can't believe how fast that went from 0 to lesbian
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
I'm doing blow on my fuzzy rug
Come join me
It's something I can't competently describe without making sex sounds.
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
Randomize