I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
i wonder if she has dreads down there too...
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers
Is it a bad thing that the only time i wear nice clothes to class, is when i get too fucked up the night before and wear the same clothes i went out in?
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
I literally had to tap out of the blow job. It was like a pornographic wrestling match
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
I literally put my pussy on his sideburns, it was awkward
There's a lil minaj in everyone
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
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