i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
Your beautifulness. Funnyness. Sexy hairness. Coolness. Plus you ask google how far wendys is from your house. Will you marry me
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
2000 dollars has been put in for bail money. Also we're signing contracts
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
It's like a harem of immaturity and bad ideas...and that's coming from me
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
I feel like I should acknowledge that I see you as a human and not a ragdoll sex object
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
she told him my safe word. I'm gonna casually work it into conversation and at him suggestively to see if he realizes i want to have rough sex with him
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
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