Did we have sex?
No you put the condom on then passed out on the bed so I left
Are you trying to threaten my boobs?
I woke up this morning naked, with a to-go box from Qdoba, an entire meal completely untouched. I have been piecing together my night to find some answers. I feel like Nancy Drew.
Spent 200 bucks on a stripper for a good night hug. I give up.
He gave me a trycicle he stole from a kid as an "offering" to have sex. I couldnt say no when he went through all that.
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
I was so drugged up it was amazing, I felt like a dinosaur "because I enjoyed spinach, and I got apple juice and only dinosaurs get apple juice" according to me the day of, and last night I felt like a rocket ship
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
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