then she woke up from sleeping for an hour and the first thing she said was "i regret it already"
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
it was great that she threw up because that made me the only one trying to hook up with her
I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
do you know how hard it is to walk a mile drunk on 151 it's hard yards are soft and every girl looks good
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
A guy in the dance floor is raising the roof with an axe in hand. I love Halloween.
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
Randomize
