The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
we're using his nephews tonka truck toy as a cooler for the beer
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
I think he's having people over to watch him get way too drunk again
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
Dude, the lecture theatre is caving in on me.
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
Not sure but if it exists I will find it and I will fill my face with it
Just letting you know that while you peed your pants in that guys jeep, The orgasm I had made my hair fall out... Good morning.
Randomize
