Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
It was ok at first, but now im getting freaked out by him jerking off to me doing yoga
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
SO AWKS THEY ARE HAVING A COUPLE FIGHT AND I JUST WANT PIZZA
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
He showed up at 1:10AM covered in mud and vomit, wearing a headband that said victory in Japanese. I WANT PICS.
I just had all of the sex. All of it.
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
Goat in kitchen.....explanation?....
Randomize
