She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
I guess it was to be expected that I was put on somebody's list called penis socket.
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
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