did you mean anything you said last night? i just wnna know
no
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
for future reference: even when 4 loko is flat it still fucks you up. im near a tree. come find me.
okay. so this hammed chick got arrested and she keeps trying to make out with the cop. i like her style.
Just gave some kid head in the library. Perfect way to end the semester.
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
if she didnt wantt to be febrezed, she shouldnt have smelled so desperate.
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
He was eating me out on a picnic table on the frame lake trail and right after I came, a group of hikers walked around the corner. Stood up just in time
And this is one of the many reasons why you need a car.
Randomize
