Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
I'm sitting outside your room listening for sex noises eating pepperoni...slowly
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
Last night was just a whirlwind of Mario Brothers and sex.
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
Randomize
