That's why you don't touch shit after fingering somebone
I learned nothing from that class except drinking and chemistry go together great.
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
Randomize
