Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
I think we should have a sex position advent calendar
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
What a way to start the day. Staring at penis for 3 hours
It's pretty much my favorite thing ever
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
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