Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
What part of "you pissed in the tent" do you not understand?
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
Tequila Tuesdays need to not carry on throughout the week. Having a sad Saturday
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
Being a slave to ur dick is exhausting.
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
Sigh. I haven't seen a dick since August 22nd. And in case you forgot, it's January.
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
Randomize
