I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
I'm not sure...it could be the pasta I ate from her sink, the dominoes, or just the alcohol. Or a wicked combination of all 3.
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
Also I walked home in over mitts \nLet's take a minute to really laugh about that
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
Did we actually play with swords last night or did I dream that?
You are a genius and a whore.
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
Regardless I WANT TO BE YOUR SEX DISPENSARY. that is like the career I was born for.
Randomize
