It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
Don't worry about it. Anal sex isn't always sunshine and wildflowers.
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
Why are you surprised? I've only ever liked older guys since I was a 3 yr old crushing on her pediatrician.
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
New low. I just threw up in the shower at 4pm. Nothing like leaving behind my 20s with class.
I hope you get your threesome on vday. I'll probably get flowers and a candlelit dinner. trade you. I wish this guy was more of a slut and had less of a heart. I would like 2 dicks please fuck your flowers!
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
Randomize