Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
And secondly i just said i'd pay ten dollars to have sex with you
I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
I love taking my adderall while im in class! As soon as I take the pill out everyone around me just stares in envy!
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
i cant believe im seriously wearing his ex girlfriends underwear right now
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
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