So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
Nicole vs. Life
If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
Martha Stewart would most definitely roll a great joint.
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
Randomize
