So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
Saying she let herself go implies she was actually holding on
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
I wouldn't say I LOVE Pacman. I mean, sure, I'd battle against you in an epic Pacman struggle for blow jobs and glory. But I mean, who wouldn't?
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
Randomize
