can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy
WHY AREWNT YOU HERE SO MUCH FUN STUFF DO IT GET IN CAR NOW caps lock
New low, passed out while taking a shit for an hour with my parents home, suprised they didnt notice
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
Everything hurts.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
She was dressed as a banana and told me that I needed more potassium in my diet. Of course I went down on her.
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
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