I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
Does it qualify as sexting if you're both pretending to be fictional characters?
I'm not sure whether to be proud of you or weirded out.
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
Does it get any better than dating a guy with a vasectomy? The answer is NO. No it does not
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
Lol woke up with mangoes in bed with me
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