So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
Her brother walked in on her giving me a bj and just laughed. I got a highfive before I left.
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
I distinctly recall there being a "I can't be dead 2maro" stipulation to going out last night. There's been a breech of contract
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
things I never thought I would say vol. 24 "Bagpipes just remind me that my relationship is over"
I totally almost forgot you fucked that guy. St. Patty's bar crawls always have a drawback.
So lets not base feelings on vagina tingles
I wore home his HoHoHo boxers. I've never felt such a connection to an article of clothing.
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
If I could go one week without being called a maneater or a spanish trolip that would be great.
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