Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
I keep hearing lesbian porn and I'm the only one home. I don't think this is healthy
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
this is terrible I feel like i'm trapped in a cage with a wild republican
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
So how was it?
The cemetery or the sex?
Randomize
