Feel like bed is flying. Not sure where we're going. Hope there is candy.
i don't know where i am. i made bad decisions. i think this guy is dead.
He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
well, I yelled "the tribe has spoken!" at a boatload of people and then I walked home alone in the pouring rain at 1:30am. karma really is a bitch, yo.
Someone touched my vagina when we were out last night. The fact that it was you is inconsequential and I am still counting it as a pull.
Yeah, it was all very half-hearted. In the middle of sex we both just stopped and looked at each other and said, "can we just sleep instead?"
That is so sad.
He's been pretending to be gay for 3 months in order to get free weed.
It's a special kind of bond when your gay brother takes pics of you topless at a frat party.
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
Randomize
