What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
woke up and she was making me crepes. definitely not the last time i fuck a culinary student
Whenever I said your name you screamed polo and did another shot.
I walking on her passed out on her bed, clutching a burrito and the walking dead dvd on replay.
So I stappled myself into my toga... that should be interesting getting out of later tonight...
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
I'd rather blow Nickelback than be told he gave me gonorrhea. I'd even post it on Facebook for all of the world to like, share, and judge me.
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
You don't know how skeptical I was about letting a guy with braces go down on me
Well... I got her number now... I think she is a dish best served drunk
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
oh what is to come when my single life starts with a threesome?
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