Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
He had on juicy sweatpants and thats when i knew he was no longer a threat.
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
You just wrote a check for drugs...pretty sure you don't have cash for beer..
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
You're the reason I lose Never Have I Ever
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
at least its a cool name to shout when he's balls deep in you later
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
On a scale of 1-10 how inappropriate is it for me to ask if Walgreens offers teacher discounts when purchasing a Plan B pill?
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
Randomize
