I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
Well, I fucked her. But the sex wasn't all that great. Morning sex never is
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
So much easier to puke and rally now that my gluten's under control
we are the apple cider girls!
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
You're emotionally mature, right? I said you were.
I have at least four things in my line of sight that have Kermit the Frog on them in my dorm. Does that answer your question?
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
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