you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
For someone who "only drinks patron" your lack of pickiness with men alarms me
Ok I might come if this chair quits being so great...I'm also seeing this bush in the corner turn into a witch
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
I'm about to be a GTA V widow, he could at least throw me a bone. Literally.
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
Randomize
