Do you think he likes his girlfriend's moustache?
dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
it's fine if we fail the bar, we were never going to satisfy the moral character requirement anyway
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
had to split buying plan b over two cards. I will no longer challenge people to get on my level
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
Me too like the fact they didn't arrest me wants to send them an edible arrangement
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
Randomize
