I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
Just to clear things up. I did not walk in on him jacking off to your facebook profile.
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
Being on probation is a nice change of pace. It's refreshing to wake up and know what I did last night.
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
he walked off and puked in the sand. then he made a sand castle over it so that "it wouldn't upset the kids"
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
He ate me out in a limo while we were driving home. I love bars being open again!
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