Godddamnit i jsu woke up in oharee. My connecxtion left an hro ago. Thosse flight atttendants can DRinK
i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
Well I met my booty call's parents by accident, so that happened.
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
Randomize
