i have a strong urge to join the asians in the park doing tai chi. I think im still high .
I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
Called Jeff last night and told him I wanted to have sex in the airport terminal. Blackout Brooke definitely came out last night.
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
And then she proceeded to tell us that blowing your brother made her feel like part of the family. At this point you were still pretending to be a cat. Need I give another reason she can't live with us?
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
Randomize
