I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
Curled up in the fetal position, trying not to throw up or think about my future, and humming songs from musicals to myself. You?
dude i should have never cleaned my ears out while high. theres no going back.
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
Are we really going to sext in Pokemon battle fashion?
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
Yeah sorry about that. I got pulled into the Russian student society's end of term party. There was too much vodka and eurodance to come help you pack.
Tinder recommend to a friend: making threesomes easier since 2016
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
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